Dear Castlerock...

Why do you have to be so far away?  It would be much more convenient if you were not 45 minutes away.  I'm not entirely sure why, but I missed Matt a lot today.  I'm used to only seeing him on weekends, but this week has felt like it has taken forever to pass.  It's most likely because I'm adjusting to a new schedule and everything so I'm hoping that this will not be the case every week.  I think I missed him so much today in particular because I swear it must have been couple's day at the Auraria campus today or something.  I couldn't walk 10 feet without seeing some couple walking together and holding hands or laughing and enjoying each other's company.  On the average day of course I miss my man, but it's never been with as much intensity as it was today.  Thankfully, tomorrow is Friday which means I get to see him for a few days.  Even though we generally spend Friday night through Sunday together, the time span barely even seems like a day.  Is that one of the signs of true love?  I'm not sure.  I've never really been the mushy lovey-dovey type of person, but I certainly know that for the first time in my life I have fallen in love.  So much so that when I imagine the future I could see myself marrying him.  This definitely won't be for a while, of course; I may be in love, but unlike some people that does not mean that I lose a grip on reality and forget common sense.  Regardless, I've never been in that type of relationship.  I've had my fair share of relationships throughout my short life, but I knew none of them would work out.  This wasn't even a subconscious thought; I straight up knew it wouldn't be a long-term deal and ended all but one prior relationship on my own terms.  I'm not sure what it is about this one.  There's just something about Matt that drives me completely crazy (in the good way =]). When I'm around him, I'm more myself than I am with anyone else.  Everything is just so natural with him; there's no awkwardness in any situation I've been in with him.  That's a huge deal for me.  I tend to be a little off-beat sometimes; my odd sense of humor and my thick coating of sarcasm tends to push people away from me.  But you see, that's the great thing about our relationship...We just get each other.  I can't even seem to find a way to put it into words.  So now this is where my corny side comes out (which I get from my mom, without a doubt haha) and I'm going to quote a song that is exactly how I feel when he's around.  The song is called "With You" and it is sung by Jessica Simpson.  Regardless of the fact that I'm not a huge Jessica Simpson fan, it's still the perfect song for the situation.  " With you, I can let my hair down. I can say anything crazy; I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground. With nothing but a t-shirt on, I've never felt so beautiful baby as I do now. Now that I'm with you."  So cheesy...Gosh haha. It's true, down to the T how I feel when I'm around him though.  I remember our first date; he was sooo late and I was really close to leaving but boy am I glad that I didn't.  I'll admit, the first date was a tad bit awkward, but when isn't a first date?  We went to go so Iron Man.  I vaguely remember the movie, not because we were making out or anything of that nature, but because I was so incredibly nervous because I had no idea what his impression of me was.  As I sat there, I think I looked relatively convincing that I was paying intent attention to the movie, but in reality my mind was racing.  I was hoping the entire time that we would just make some kind of contact.  I wanted to hold his hand so badly, but my nerves made my palms all clammy.  At that point, I knew a little about him but not a whole lot so I was rehearsing what I would do to initiate conversation after the movie over and over in my head.  As the movie was about 3/4 of the way over, he finally grabbed my hand and I to this day remember that jolt that my heart made when he did.  I still get that jolt, followed by crazy butterflies when he kisses me.  I've never had such an instant connection with someone.  For the second date, we literally sat in a parking lot and talked for about 5 hours.  There was no money required and it was very simple, but it was by far the best date of my life.  From there on it all just kinda progressed smoothly.  I'm so unbelievably happy with him that even I have a hard time believing it.

It's funny...I mentioned earlier that I'm really not the mushy lovey-dovey type, yet here I go writing my longest blog thus far entirely about Matt.  What is wrong with me?!  I think that all this love business is detrimental to my health...but I still wouldn't change it for the world.  :)

Deja Vu...In reverse?

It was strange.  The entire day just had a strange vibe to it.  This morning was almost similar to yesterday, only exactly the opposite.  My first class was not until 11:30 this morning, but I still somehow forced myself to drag myself out of bed at 8:30 this morning.  It was actually very nice; I had time to enjoy my shower, make breakfast, pack a lunch, do my hair AND makeup, and still had time to spare.  I rarely have time to even think about anything but getting out the door in the morning, so it was a great change.  I felt so optimistic about the entire outlook on the day (unlike yesterday where it was completely the opposite).  So I left the house by 10:30 which is PLENTY of time to catch the light rail on time.  I got to the station at about 10:50 and I was so happy that I wouldn't be late like I was the first day.  However then a problem arose; there was absolutely no parking.  Well, let me rephrase that; there was plenty of parking, but it was "no RTD parking".  I drove around the parking  garage for about 15 minutes hoping that a spot would magically appear, but I suppose luck just wasn't on my side today.  Eventually, I gave up and parked in one of those restricted spots hoping that I wouldn't get a ticket.  I was walking until of course a security guard stopped me because he saw I was walking towards the light rail and told me I had to move or else my car would get booted.  I tried to reason with him and explained my situation, but he was a real dick about it and straight up told me that it was "tough shit". Now you see, if I was running late and it was MY fault that I was late I don't think I would feel as bitter as I do about the situation, but I made it a point this morning to make sure I would not be late.  Apparently my good intentions didn't matter though.  Giving up, I then decided to call my mom and ask her how to get to the next light rail station.  I still had hope of making it to class "fashionably" late, but my mom didn't answer.  Same with my dad.  So eventually, I tried calling my brother and thankfully he answered.  Next light rail station had the same situation where there was no parking, so I had to go to the next one which is about 30 minutes away from my house. By the time all of this was said and done, it was 12:00 and I finally realized there was no way I would make it on time...The second day of class and I already had an absence...Talk about good measure.  :(  Once I finally got to campus, I had 3 hours to kill so I decided to call Jamie.  Apparently the fact that she is moving to California didn't hit me until today.  I wasn't really sad about it because I think subconsciously I didn't believe that it was real.  We chatted for about 45 minutes, and she occasionally told me where she was which led me to finally come to realization that she is gone.  Not forever, of course, but I went from seeing her almost every day for 2 years since she was my roommate and now I probably won't see her until Christmas break.  No more girly beauty nights, no more nights where we just cry and vent about everything going "wrong" with our lives, no more adventures like drinking 2 random bottles of vodka left in the freezer from our last party and randomly deciding to go swimming in a lake.  We've had some of the best times and now I feel like we won't anymore.  That's a hasty conclusion for me to come to, and I know it's not necessarily true but it still sort of seems like it.  It made me really sad.  While I was pondering all of this to myself and talking with Jamie, three random guys just stopped right in front of where I was sitting and had a conversation with one another.  There were plenty of other places they could have stood, but for whatever reason they just stood there.  I don't have a problem with it, but it kind of made me feel invisible.  I'm not even sure if they noticed me sitting there at all until I got up to go into the library.  It was just so completely opposite from yesterday.  Now, I'm definitely not one that wants, nor needs lots of male attention like some girls, but it was a bizarre feeling to just seem invisible like that. It was such a 360 from yesterday.  Gender aside, I would have felt just as strange had it been a group of girls.

To sum things up, today wasn't the best of days.  On a positive note, I found out that I saved $400 on books this year by renting them instead of buying them.  I also cleaned up my hard drive on my lap top and it's running much more smoothly now.  Well, tomorrow is a new day hopefully with a better outlook.  I just need to stay optimistic.

Ego Boost

Today, I feel pretty damn good about myself.  This morning when I first woke up, I figured that today would be exactly the opposite; I woke up late, didn't have time to shower, threw my hair up in a messy bun, slapped a little make-up on to make myself somewhat presentable and ran out the door.  My jeans had holes in them, my shirt had a coffee stain from my morning java, and I had stray hairs flying aloof.  Needless to say, I looked atrocious.  I've always been one that cares what other people think.  I would never imagine going out in public without taking a shower and caking my face in make-up to make sure that I cover every last blemish I had.  If I didn't have time to shower and do my hair and make-up, I would simply not show up wherever I was supposed to be.  I was (and still am, somewhat) very insecure about myself.  This all changed about 4 months ago when I heard something that truly made me reevaluate my behavior.  My best friend/old roommate before I transferred to UCD is a psychology major and one day while we were at the gym she shared a quote that one of her professors said in one of her classes: "What other people think about you is none of your business".  It is very short and simple and it lacks long intellectual sounding words, but something about it really stuck to me.  It really is true.  Other people's interpretations of you aren't your business.  People may like to believe so, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion whether it is positive or negative.  Anyway, returning to the point, this made me feel totally ok with going out looking the way I looked this morning.  I still enjoy putting effort into my appearance for my own sake, but I do that for me and nobody else.  Who do I have to impress?  There is a great and very popular quote from Marylin Monroe that goes as follows: "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." This quote applies to so many different aspects besides just appearance, but in this situation, if people don't want to accept me when I look like shit, why should I be alright with them only accepting me when I look my best?  This is where the awesome part about today comes in.  Today, for whatever reason, I got hit on more times in one day than I ever have before.  I'm assuming it's because I'm actually comfortable in my own skin for the first time...well...ever.  I look in the mirror and instead of constantly criticizing my imperfections, I notice the good things like how my lips are very full and luscious or how my green eyes pop out when I wear a certain color eye shadow.  I don't feel like I act differently, but I wonder if this new outlook of myself shows subconsciously.  It's a nice feeling.  For years and years I have never felt like I could or had the right to be confident looking the way I do.  I'm a bigger girl, definitely not stick thin or model material, but who says that means I'm not beautiful in my own unique way?  I have my boyfriend to thank for this new found self confidence.  He is always reassuring me that I'm pretty, adorable, sexy, beautiful, ect.  I am forever grateful for it.  With his help, along with a little effort from myself to actually believe his words instead of just rolling my eyes and scoffing it off like I used to, I now have found this new self-confidence in myself that I honestly never thought I would see.   

Racist?

Today for the first time in my entire life, I wondered if I was racist. There are many different levels of racism and I'm definitely not on the stereotypical description of "racist", but there were several events that happened today that made me question it. When I got to school today, I was strolling along campus with my headphones on walking to the beat of my own drum. I really wasn't aware of anything around me mostly due to the fact that I was running late (as usual). Once I got to my first class, it was the same old routine with nothing out of the ordinary. The strangeness occurred when I had my class break from 12:45 to 4:30. Being in less of a rush, I was observing my surroundings as I walked to the Trivoli building to get my student ID; I couldn't help but notice the massive Asian and Arab ratio at UCD. I by no means felt uncomfortable or weird, and I even conversed with one girl (who's name slips my mind because it was very bizarre, but very pretty) and became pretty good acquaintances in the short 20 minutes we spent standing in line beside each other. But the mere fact that I made that observation made me question if that is a form of racism. I definitely don't judge them for their ethnicity, but does the fact that I observed the people around me and "labeled" them as Asian, Black, White or Arab instead of just any other human being like myself cause me to have a racist tint? I hope not. I don't think so. Hell, my best friends are on all ends of the ethnic spectrum...Just one of those rhettorical questions that I asked myself today.

First day of school wasn't too shabby. I can already tell that I am going to dislike Mondays and Wednesdays, though. I have a three and a half hour break which is not enough time to go home, but plenty of time to be bored out of my mind. I'm sure I'll adjust eventually once the work load for school picks up. Now, I believe I may actually get a decent night's rest; I was unable to fall asleep until four this morning, so that left me with only four hours of sleep. So now, I shall watch the back of my eyelids until I have to wake up at the ass crack of dawn for my 8:30 class in the morning. Somehow I get the feeling I'm going to miss that class a lot...

For a lack of a better title...Intro?

This night has played out the same each and every year; I get ready for bed early to prepare for the day I have to come.  That day is the first day of school.  This early bedtime is to no avail, however.  I always lay down with the my mind racing about what is in the future.  You would think after 15 years of practice it would get a little easier, but it's not.  I am 20 years old and I feel like a child waiting for her very first day of school hoping to God that I'll be able to make friends.  I'm not so worried about the friends part anymore, though.  Instead my constant worry is financial aid, getting my bachelor's degree, and working towards succeeding in...life.  I suppose this is something that goes through my head every day as a college student, but it is even more so tonight.  I'm transferring to a new school this year.  Instead of going to UNC I will be going to UCD. It is an exciting, but nerve-racking change.  We shall see how it goes tomorrow.

So some of you may be wondering what the point of this blog is.  There is none, really.  I doubt I will have anything truly worth saying, especially being that I lead a pretty boring and average life (not that I'm complaining).  I remember when I was younger, blogging was my life.  My fingers would simply glide across the keyboard in senseless rambling while I just spoke (or typed in this case, I suppose) my feelings.  It seemed to help with everything.  Granted, my problems now aren't comparable to the problems I had then, but I'm hoping it will still have the same effect today.  It's been years since I've blogged.  I can tell how rusty I am.  College has spoiled my creativity; I used to be able to write fictional stories and used my creativity on a daily basis, but now I find that my mind works very differently.  I notice even at this very second that as I write my simple, raw thoughts down I am still searching for rhyme or reason.  Where do I cite this?  APA or MLA style?  I feel like college is so over-rated sometimes.  I guess being a nursing major that some education should be required obviously, but in the two years of college that I have experienced I honestly have not learned a single thing I haven't already known.  I'm sure down the road that will change, but as of right now I keep asking myself if there's really a point to all this college rubbish.  Oh yeah...I guess needing a job in the future is a pretty good reason... Anyway, getting back to the point, I'm hoping this blog will bring some of my creativity back.  There are so many things I miss about creativity; you can create worlds that don't really exist.   I crave the feeling that raw creativity once gave me before.  Like I've said, I'm rusty so it will probably just start with me writing my feelings of things that happen in the day and simple events like that.  But it's a start.  Hopefully it's not just a disaster.